What was happiness to me? I was 25 back then.
There is this one particular lady who made my life a hell for 10 years. I look back and think - if happiness was in my hands how can someone take it away from me?
She also asked me why I had to wait till I was 25 to get married? "You are too old now. Now you have to immediately bear a child". "Don't wait too long". I said yes, feeling a little upset about being called "too old to get married"
I was independent even when I was 18. My parents paid my college fee but never got any pocket money from them. My part time jobs back then paid for it.
I relocated to Bangalore after finishing my engineering. I wanted to go abroad, my parents wanted me to get married. Happiness was travelling to me.
I grew up a tomboy but had dreams about my wedding. I never had a sister growing up, I was glad my husband to be had a sister, she was much older than me, but I still called her "akka"(sister) to fill that gap.
Planning my wedding (I wanted to discuss it with my SIL, thought, that was cool): I called her and spoke to her about my outfit, a pink sharara that I had planned to wear on my wedding eve. She said in her family, they don't allow shararah's, only sarees. I settled for a pink saree and matching jewellery. One the eve of the wedding she asked me to change my saree much to my disagreement and wear the one that I was told is the wedding saree. I had called her multiple times previously stating my plans, she only spoke about herself, and how her family did not like me being so thin and need to gain a few pounds.
On the wedding eve, much to my disagreement, she asked me to wear the next day's saree and take off my pink saree that I had planned that evening.collapse of plans.
Well, that was no big deal, a slight disappointment but I took it easy.
She said, no wearing modern outfit. There is a name for this family. Don't spoil that by wearing jeans and T shirt.
Well this is just what my SIL says. My husband will not care.
Well I was wrong.
I can't sit at ease. I cant wear the clothes I like.I had to wear the "thali" which was thick as a rope totally contradicting my style. Nothing was up to my taste.I couldn't even wear a handbag the way I like it. No it shouldn't cross through your shoulders. No back packs.
Are these really important in life? just live your life like your husband wants it.
I did not realise how serious this was until a lady tailor in Mylapore gave me that sympathetic look when my husband rejected all saree blouse materials cause you can see through his fingers when he checked them. She refused to stitch a blouse for me with that opaque inskirt material he chose for me.
Should I have walked off then?
Or should I have walked off when he asked me to get on a water slide in San Antonio sea world wearing a baggy pant instead of shorts. Ofcourse they did not let me ride it and the lady asked me if i have a skin rash for covering my whole body when it was a 94 degrees outside in a water park.I wasn't covering my head ( at least I cpuld have pulled it off off as a religious muslim)
Should I have walked off then?
And to all those who said bearing a child will solve all problems..my answer is NO. It has only worsened my situation.
I have my son. The.love.of.my.life. My handcuffs for life.
Mother-in-law visits.
She is the definition of the word "sweet". She immediately filled my heart with her innocence.She is a converted christian and I understood there was nothing religious about that conversion, it was because of someone taking advantage of her naive-ness.She - was a sleeper cell. She was raw. She would shape up into anything she was told to.
And guess who has her key? my SIL. She was upfront with her plan for her stay at our place. She told me that she was here to take rest and she cannot take care of my son(6 month old).
One day my baby and I come back home only to find my entire closet ransacked. she was still one phone with her daughter(my SIL). She abruptly cut that call. I checked the phone to see that they have had a conversation for 4 hour long and a 3 hour and 40 minute long conversation. She hadn't eaten anything the whole day. She had only been on the phone with her daugher.
My toiletries (soap lotion etc) were misplaced. My clothes were all on the ground of my closet.My mother in law was very upset. She asked my about the clothes I was wearing. I said that is how everyone at work dressed up.
I visit India and my sister in law says " my daughter( who is 9 years younger to me) never wears short salwars. She is not shameless to wear such clothes ( well- fill in the gaps- like me)
1. No Shararah for wedding
2. No beauty parlor visits for the wedding
3. No short salwars (leave alone dresses and jeans)
4. 25 years is too old to get married. Immediately have a child
5. Having a phone for yourself is disrespect to the man of the family.
6. Have a pottu which is as big as a 1 rupee coin.
6. Have a pottu which is as big as a 1 rupee coin.
10 years later
my sister in laws daughter...
1. got married at 27 (still considered to be a baby girl and too young to get married)
2. wore a pink shararah that I was told not to wear. not to mention she wore it without a shawl.
3. Had Lakme beautician come to the mahal for make up.
3. Had Lakme beautician come to the mahal for make up.
4. Poses on whatsapp wearing a dress just below her undy's ( she is now in the US)
5.Of Course has a smartphone and goes to school for her masters.
5. No pottu on her forehead.
Rules are for others huh!
5. No pottu on her forehead.
Rules are for others huh!
The life I wanted, rejected and given to someone else.
Now, I woke up. After 10 years. I rebelled. I spoke up.
I joined school. I now wear the clothes of my choice. But I am now 36 years old. My life has gone. I was not me for 10 years.I have a son and I my priorities have changed. I can never live that life I wanted. I can never go back to being 20s and wearing my kinda of clothes and living my kinda life.
Should I now walk out? I still feel suffocated.
My SIL and I had an ugly fight. her words still echo in my mind " I will defeat you" Wait and see".Your husband will not listen to you"
This came out of no where. I have no idea what the race is and what My husband should listen to.what should i even tell him.
0Do I have victim mentality? Am I crying over spilt milk? Am I jealous of my SIL's daughter because she is living the life that I wanted? Am I angry cause my SIL stole my ideas?
I am moving on. But I am now highly depressed as My husband speaks to my SIL everyday and he is still naive like his mom. Another sleeper cell in the making?
How do i raise my son in this mindset?
SHOULD I WALK OF NOW?
My life - the life that I wanted, the life that I dreamed of, the life that I so meticulously planned has been stolen from me and given to someone else through my very own husband. That I can't stand.
I am married for 10 years. He knows how much I earn, what I spend and what I do. he has access to my debit card and credit card accounts. But I have no access to any of his. he did not even share his laptop password when i was newly married and I did not have an laptop of my known.
Did I tell you for the fist 8 months of my marriage, I neither had a phone nor internet access. I was home alone when he went to work. Spend my time cleaning the house and cooking. I only got to speak to someone when he comes home using his phone.
Thankfully I found a job that gave me a laptop and net access. And now I have a job and independent. But those initial years, HELL, that too after spending 4 independent years in bangalore living on my own, I get married to this gut and atrt of my married life this way.
Now, should I chuck him off my bank accounts? Does money really matter? No.What hurts is the trust that he doesn't have on me. What have I ever done with my own money? have I bought anything for myself? why do you want to check? NO IDEA
What are you doing with your money that you are hiding from me? MYSTERY.
Another incident - need to get it out.
Me goes to SIL's house. Wears a pretty heavy loose fitted salwar and a shawl. SIL's daughter in front of my husband says adjust. I do, a little embarrassed and not really knowing why cause it wasn't even a fitted one.Husband takes me aside and lectures on dressing modestly.
Fast forward 5 years, SIL's daughter gets married on a sharara with a one side name-sake shawl. Husband seems very pleased at the wedding!
Take husband to my house in India and share my child pictures. He absolutely showed zero interest.Now, today (11/29/2017) in his phone he has SIL's daughters young age photo saved. He is now in India and he has dusted and got that on his phone.
That reminds me I need to get my young age picture on my phone.
I am married for 10 years. He knows how much I earn, what I spend and what I do. he has access to my debit card and credit card accounts. But I have no access to any of his. he did not even share his laptop password when i was newly married and I did not have an laptop of my known.
Did I tell you for the fist 8 months of my marriage, I neither had a phone nor internet access. I was home alone when he went to work. Spend my time cleaning the house and cooking. I only got to speak to someone when he comes home using his phone.
Thankfully I found a job that gave me a laptop and net access. And now I have a job and independent. But those initial years, HELL, that too after spending 4 independent years in bangalore living on my own, I get married to this gut and atrt of my married life this way.
Now, should I chuck him off my bank accounts? Does money really matter? No.What hurts is the trust that he doesn't have on me. What have I ever done with my own money? have I bought anything for myself? why do you want to check? NO IDEA
What are you doing with your money that you are hiding from me? MYSTERY.
Another incident - need to get it out.
Me goes to SIL's house. Wears a pretty heavy loose fitted salwar and a shawl. SIL's daughter in front of my husband says adjust. I do, a little embarrassed and not really knowing why cause it wasn't even a fitted one.Husband takes me aside and lectures on dressing modestly.
Fast forward 5 years, SIL's daughter gets married on a sharara with a one side name-sake shawl. Husband seems very pleased at the wedding!
Take husband to my house in India and share my child pictures. He absolutely showed zero interest.Now, today (11/29/2017) in his phone he has SIL's daughters young age photo saved. He is now in India and he has dusted and got that on his phone.
That reminds me I need to get my young age picture on my phone.
